What is it about the rain when you have nothing planned that makes you feel cozy? Why does the rain make us feel like we just can’t get out of bed…
Is it the smell?Is it the sound on the roof or on the window sill? That humming white noise that eases our overburdened minds? Is it the simple fact that we are inside safely surrounded by walls and a roof? Or is it because we know that after the rain all that was grey becomes vibrant and refreshed?
Something about water has always made me feel something… It’s peaceful and yet uncertain. It’s calm and reflective buy also intolerant and destructive, and all the while it is a necessity for human life.
While I look at ice, oceans or streams I know that it won’t be that for long… And so dealing with a bipolar-borderline-personality-disordered mother is like looking at the ocean at 5 pm when the sun is almost set but the whole world is vibrant and breathtaking. You can see the beauty and she will warm your soul up with color until the sun goes down and the wind picks up and suddenly you are in the dark…. Some days there’s light some days the waning glimmer of hope just isn’t enough… Some days the moonlight is intoxicating you can almost smell daylight and others there is no moon at all. She will make you feel like all is calm on the horizon and suddenly you are in the eye of the storm.
When you think you have fallen into a rutine and you know what days will be brighter than others the water doesn’t seem so special… It’s a subsequent result of how clear you can see it, feel it or need it. It’s as though you forget the beauty or the madness because it’s nature and it’s unpredictable… You will never know if it will rain on your wedding day.
We can’t say with certainty why we like the rain while we are in certain situations and why in others it can ruin everything, but one thing we can be sure of is Bipolar depression and borderline personality disorder never have a schedule… You must always carry your umbrella and possibly a paddle for your own sake..