Mother’s Day for Daughters of Dysfunctional Mothering

  
To those women who have amazing relationships with their mothers you’re lucky, most of us daughters don’t.

Social media is flooded on Mother’s Day with all the blessings and joys of motherhood and the gifts of children to mothers full of crayons, glue and hearts….

I’m here to say this about Mother’s Day… Some mothers may have given birth but they are no mother. 

Not all mothers have earned the right to be called that. Some mothers aren’t supportive, helpful or loving. Some mothers like Joan Crawford are self obsessed, jealous, two faced women that portray themselves to others as mothering, and to their children as enemies.

“Mommie Dearest” may be one of the greatest films of a narcissists spin on alcoholic borderline personality disorder mother, ever made.  The conniving Joan Crawford is a wealthy actress who adopted a child for the publicity and in the eyes of her audience she can do no wrong. She portrays a kind hearted adoptive mother, who gives this child everything (fortune and fame), asking nothing but love in return. She carries on her days stinking drunk and cumpulsive with men in and out of her life and the kid in boarding school, until she goes broke. What’s a poor girl to do with nothing but talent and a need for attention, get married of course. Marriage number 4 and Joan Crawford finds no peace with the wealth of a general producer of Coca Cola… She runs the man into a death bed takes his money and proceeds to show herself in the light of the camera as a kind poor widow,and mother. Ohh the contradiction to the child bearing witness to it all… 

Why is this relevant? Well because the fact is, most women act one way in public and another way behind closed doors. Mothers scold their kids in public and spank them when no one is looking. This is taught to us by our mothers because they are taught by theirs and and without a formal lesson we do as well. We learn how to hide behind closed doors and we have our mothers to thank for that.

  The women called “mothers” doing their silent submissive games against their husbands (who may be our fathers or may be just their husbands) and plotting behind their backs in resentment and selfish needs have become the women that teach us the rules of life. Some of these women use things to get what they want, others use their looks or their status… But they have one thing in common, they manipulate. 

Who better to manipulate than the children who depend on them? The daughters are the target of any and all manipulation because they are unconditionally loving to these toxic women. The daughters see these vain and self loathing women and see a problem they want to fix with love. Ultimately the daughters end up disappointing themselves because those mothers don’t want to be fixed, and so guilt becomes the most prominent feature. Those mothers just want attention and glory and the guilt inlaid in their daughters for their shortfalls. Of course some one has to be to blame for their imperfections and it certainly isn’t Mothers fault… It must be the daughters.

These are the mothers who have a day dedicated to gloating on how hard it was for them to dedicate their life to another. These are the mothers that share this day with the mothers that give so much to their children and never compromise. How unjust to celebrate the good and the bad on the same day. The dysfunctional mother did the best and most honorable duty to raise a child, those women are remarkably quick to assume their job is done and reap the benefits of motherhood simply because the date is “Mother’s Day”. Meanwhile the mother who expected the daughter to be their crutch has no love for the child no matter the velocity of the gesture. “Thank you” isn’t in the cards for those daughters, only, guilt and never being good enough shines through their half hearted thanks.

To the daughters of the women who have mentally distorted the role of motherhood, you should know that it’s not you, it’s them. They need you to be weak so they can be strong. They need you to pity them and pick them up off the floor when they can’t handle reality. They need you. You don’t need them. If you are the daughter of a toxic mother… Happy Mother’s Day to you, for you have endured far more than child birth. You’re “at home” life is no just yours to bare and you don’t need to keep it a secret. You didn’t do anything wrong and you deserve to be loved. 

It’s hard to accept but mothers don’t always earn their title. It’s not a right, it’s earned. For daughters of women that are like Minnie dearest, you have a responsibility now, to break the cycle. So many women continue to be like their mothers, but don’t be like that. 

To the daughters who have bad relationships with their mothers, don’t hide behind the scenes as you have been taught to. Live freely because you will be criticized either way. Mothers and daughters should have great and Unified love and friendship but the reality is, some of us have mommy dearest…

   
Cheers to you daughters, you are the greatest gifts to those you love, even your undeserving mothers. Love them but love yourself more, you’ll be fine.

 

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Every Now and Then

Every day is something new. We change, embrace, create, repeat. We become more of what we are as we go! Staying inspired through life has kept things interesting for me. I grew up an old child of an intact marriage, in CT. Well yes, I guess that sounds perfect on paper, but it’s not, and nothing is. I originally started this blog as a DIY event page, which I quickly realized was not “it”... Then I realized I love designing spaces but what if I could do whatever I wanted as my job? Wow I’m such a millennial... so I just want what every girl wants, travel, love and freedom of speech. Well it’s basically a full spectrum of emotions, likes, inspirations and motivations. I assure you after reading my blog you will realize the bio is unnecessary... Look for inspiration and then create your own!

3 thoughts on “Mother’s Day for Daughters of Dysfunctional Mothering

  1. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear we were related!!!! My mother is the total same way. NO. SHE wasn’t wrong. She can’t imagine why I have issues with her. After all, all she did was trap herself in an abusive relationship which she inflicted on four kids! No biggie. No thought of getting out the first time the beast hit her (before any of her kids were around and she had an out!) “I didn’t think he’d hit me again!”

    YISH! Like HOW MANY TIMES do you need to be beaten before you decide you don’t want to be beaten anymore!?

    Now, fifty years later, she carries on about how she had to work two jobs because that useless piece of ….whatever wouldn’t get off the couch. (Cue Violin solo here.) Poor dear. She had four kids to take care of. She had NO CHOICE. B.S. (and I don’t mean Barbra Streisand!) She had a choice. She could have left the first time he hit her! She didn’t. She laid down for the creep and made four kids with it. WE were the ones who didn’t have a choice!

    Now for the fun part. Back…gosh, I din’t think I was out of grade school yet, and I decided that I would NOT end up like my mother! Someone hit me once, they wouldn’t get a second chance. I told this to my mother and sister and they talk to me like I’m a drooling imbecile! “Oh, You don’t understand!” say they. See, my youngest sister followed in my mother’s steps and ended up with an abusive lout, too. Long story and I won’t bore you with it. What S. fails to remember is that I was the one who went after my biological father with high heel shoes and a ceramic lamp stand to stop him from hitting my mother and they talk to me like I’ve been living with the BRADY BUNCH and have NO IDEA what I’m talking about when I say “FIRST TIME. LAST TIME” as far as abuse is concerned.

    According to my mother and sister, I have not experienced the romantic mysteries of being slapped around. Darn. Imagine my disappointment. One thing I wish I had experienced was being able to go to college, but I was never told I could do anything. See, mom was too busy working two jobs to think about her kids’ futures, so none of us really has a career. Just nowhere jobs, and my brother doesn’t even have that. Like his father, he seems to like the life of leisure (translation: having other people earning his living). I’m a caretaker in an office building, and so help me, I would sooner have breast cancer again than go back to that place! I’ve been there for twelve years and I’m suffocating! But I’m also 52 years old, and jobs for people at my age aren’t so plentiful. But I can’t talk to my mother about this or she’ll go on her martyr’s spiel; “Well, how do you think I felt, having to work two jobs!”

    I feel like saying, “So sue me! I didn’t spread my legs for an abusive lazy drunk, so I don’t have four kids to raise.” I wish I knew why I buy her mother’s day cards. It’s a total guilt thing and yet, if the Honest to God truth be told, it’s us kids who have the right to make her feel guilty for being so monumentally stupid as to lie down for a guy who beat her and inflict that ‘life’ on four kids.

    Parenthood needs to be licensed.

    Anywho, thanks for listening, AND, most especially, for writing this post. I thought I was the only one who felt this way about their ‘mother’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and following and kudos to you for all your struggle. It’s hard being in that situation and it’s easy to get caught up in the anger and resentment…. But hey life isn’t easy and at least you know you aren’t alone!

      Liked by 1 person

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